This Shattered Soul
by Kimmimaru
Summary: Sirius is haunted by his disturbed life, he is tortured by the last memories of his best friend and lover, he is driven to the brink of insanity by the constant prescence of his own terrible guilt in the part he played in James and Lily's deaths... Contains mild sexual content, slash. JP/SB


_**AN: This is a little One-shot based on the first few months of Sirius' imprisonment, contains light sexual content (Slash, of course) and heaps of angst! :) Enjoy and please R&R. Thank you.**_

This Shattered Soul.

_Such is my love, to thee I so belong,__  
__That for thy right myself will bear all wrong.__  
__- Sonnet 88 – Shakespeare_

_XJPSBXJPSBX_

Sirius mentally examined the shattered pieces of himself that now constituted his worthless soul, his eyes were blind as he stared blankly at the ceiling. He was cold, alone and empty...his light had gone out and his life was rendered meaningless, it was simply too cruel. Fate had dealt him a fatal blow and he would never, ever recover even if he lived to be a hundred.

That night was the night that Sirius Black died...

_...Only one thought was in his mind as he watched his retreating back; James, don't leave me here...please... It was a pathetic and unmanly thing to think but it was the only thing in his mind as he watched James Potter walk away from him for the last time. It was agony beyond anything Sirius had ever experienced, he was shamed, he was damned and by James' dismissal of him he had just destroyed the last pure thing he had left._

_Of course, there were many factors featuring in Sirius Black's spiritual death, it wasn't just that one cold, blustery October night but it was many things leading up to that point. The first had been the Marauders first foray into Adult hood, one stupid, drunken night when James had walked home with him. They were both off their faces on a myriad of potent alcoholic drinks that the Muggle's offered along with some odd little pills that they had been given, and perhaps some other strange muggle recreational drugs. Remus had gone home earlier in the evening so when Sirius finally managed to open the door and stumble over the threshold he giggled quietly as James fell into him, together they toppled to the floor._

"_Shhh! We'll wake Moony!" Sirius said in a childish whisper, James giggled and clamped his hand over his mouth. But then Sirius had to laugh because James looked so stupid with his glasses hanging off his nose and his hair pointing in several random directions that he couldn't stop the low snorts from escaping. James put his own hand over his mouth at that point and then..._

Sirius opened his eyes, his gaze bleary as he noticed the first pink tendrils of light that constituted dawn on the horrible stone island. He shifted and felt bones clicking and creaking beneath his much-too-thin-skin. He sat up and rolled his shoulders, listening to the cracking of bones grinding against each other, he winced. He had been trapped in the tiny one-room cell for months, but it felt like years. He was twenty-two years old but felt eighty. His mind was sluggish, his thoughts slow and difficult to decipher, it was the best thing about mornings under the thick stone roof of his prison cell, his mind was so useless he was spared his usual dark memories for a while. He sat on a wooden pallet bed that was covered in itchy, rough-spun wool and lice-ridden straw mattress that creaked under his weight just like his own bones. His dull, lifeless grey eyes followed the finger of light that had thrust its self into his room from the tiny barred window high above his head, he listened to the surrounding early morning noises. There were less screams this early, it was almost peaceful. Seagulls screamed from where they wheeled in the sky above the sea-shattered rocks he now called home, they screamed and screamed and screamed like the damned...it took him a second to realise it was _him_ screaming, not the seagulls. He stopped as soon as he realised he was no longer staring at the pink light of dawn but a golden figure clad in shadows...

_... Sirius slid his tongue out from between his lips and licked at James' hand, he could taste his sweat and it made him shiver. James pulled a face and yanked his hand away. "Ew! Sirius..." he mumbled as he absently wiped Sirius' spittle on his coat. "That's horrible..." Sirius giggled madly and began wriggling out from under his best friend. James watched him go, an odd wistful expression crossing his face before he covered it. "What are you doin'?"_

"_Booze!" Sirius declared in a dramatic stage whisper as he dragged out a bottle of coffee liquor._

_James' face lit up like the sun and he scrambled to his feet, he leapt at Sirius and tackled him to the floor, their bodies fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. Sirius moaned involuntarily, his hands twitching where he gripped handfuls of James' t-shirt. Their crotches were pressed against each other, James shivered as he locked gazes with Sirius, they both felt something shift...something vital changed in that brief nanosecond and every day since Sirius wished he could take it back he wished that he..._

The shadowy figure did nothing more than stand there, even as Sirius pushed himself into the farthest corner of his cell, hands yanking at handfuls of his hair. "No..." He moaned desperately, shaking his head rapidly from side to side. "No...no...Please...go away! I didn't do it! I swear I didn't do it! It's not my fault! I promise..." He gasped and paused as the figure shook it's head slowly. "No...wait...you _know_! You know it wasn't me! You know it's not my fault! I'm...I'm innocent! Please Jamie...Jamie please...I didn't...I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I never wanted...never wanted this...FORGIVE ME!" He screamed the last, and with his scream came more and more until the very rocks beneath him vibrated with the insane noise. Sirius groaned and covered his head. "Jamie...Prongs...Jamie please...I would never have...never...I...didn't want...didn't mean to...I..." His breathing came in sharp gasps as the figure stood before him looking disappointed, golden light streamed through it and splashed onto the stone floor revealing a drawing. A drawing gouged into the stone after long months of working, spots of dried blood and crusted food splashed the surface but the image was as clear as crystal; James Potter. James Potter was carved into the floor, immortalised in stone exactly how Sirius had last seen him, before he had given up Harry...before he had given up everything, including his sanity...

_...James pushed his hips down into Sirius' their gasps filling the living room of Sirius' shared apartment. Sirius let the bottle fall from lax fingers as he reached up and tangled them in James' terribly amusing messy hair, he tugged lightly before doing the unforgiveable; he kissed him. It was light at first, almost innocent, before descending into a mad, desperate crash of flesh, teeth and tongues. Sirius grunted as James grasped his jeans, belt and all, and yanked them down. He was rolled roughly onto his front and he felt James pushing two fingers into him, he gasped and whined as pain rocketed up his spine, but he didn't ask him to stop._

_Sirius knew what they did was wrong, James was due to propose and marry Lily Evans soon, they were going to have kids and live in a cottage and die very old together. Sirius knew that was their fate, and he so desperately wanted James to have it. Even if he knew that he would die alone, he didn't care so long as James was happy...for Sirius Black there was only one person he would ever love and that person was now pressing his hot erection into his overheated body. He pressed back with a loud curse, the word squeezed out between clenched teeth. He was at his limit, he no longer thought about Lily or Remus or Peter, only James mattered, only James and his warm hands as they roamed his body, exploring every inch of him. James was the sun, Sirius was merely in orbit._

Sirius' fit of mad grief passed to leave him feeling listless, he lay on his cot and gazed across his room his mind full of nothing but an endless sea of darkness, but he preferred it this way. It was better than having to see his face white and lifeless lying on a..._don't think about that_. He closed his eyes and muttered softly to himself, words he had once said to James, words he wished he had never uttered;

"I love you. I always have done, ever since you invited me to your house when we were twelve and you showed me your bedroom. Do you remember, Jamie? Do you remember when I stared at you? The light hit your face just so and it was like you were filling my dark, dangerous world with a light so beautiful it would sear me forever and I knew right then that you would be the death of me...and I never cared."

The creak of metal drew him from his stupor, he struggled into a sitting position as the dread cold of his captors seeped into his body, he was filled with screams. Screams in his head and in the air around him, he crouched in the corner, barely able to hold together that single shining talisman that was hidden deep within his heart, that light that James had left him, his last gift. It protected the remaining dregs of his sanity and eased a little of the mind-numbing terror...

_... "Sirius!" James gasped, moving his hips in a fast, brutal rhythm. Sirius arched his back, long hair splayed across his pale skin like a shroud, he cursed repeatedly as pleasure swamped rational thought. His nails scrabbled helplessly at the carpet beneath him, his knees burned along with the rest of his body as James continued his punishing pace. It didn't take much before James' fingers wrapped around Sirius' aching erection and he came with low cry. _

_Afterwards they lay together on the floor, panting and sweaty and Sirius felt the dead weight of guilt sitting heavily in his stomach. "Jamie...I'm..."_

"...Sorry." He whispered to the empty cell, three Dementors stood outside it and gazed in at their prisoner. He cowered in the corner, arms covering his head as he shook from head to foot and once again he was forced to re-live his worst memories...

"_You filthy bloodtraitor brat! You dishonour this noble house with your disgraceful behavoir! Do you have any idea what I have been through? DO YOU?!"_

"Noo...No, mother...please..."

"_Don't you DARE Leave! Don't you dare! Sirius! Sirius! Come back here this instant! You can't..."_

"_Piss off you worthless whore! You've never been a mother to me! I'm leaving! I'm going to James'!"_

"_That Bloodtraitor?! Sirius...! COME BACK HERE!"_

"_NO!"_

"...I'm leaving...I'm leaving Mother...I have to...get away...I have to..."

"_You're no brother of mine, Sirius! You destroyed everything! Why do you have to be so selfish?! I'm always stuck clearing up your mess! I HATE YOU!"_

"_Good for you, Reg! I don't give a shit if she was to die, the old bitch can go shove her 'family' up her withered old arse for all I care!"_

"_What about me, Sirius?! What about me? If you leave...If you leave I'll be alone!"_

"_So be it."_

"_Sirius, please! WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME!"_

"I had to...Reg, I had no choice...I'm sorry...I had to leave before she killed me...b-before I...I'm so sorry! It's all my fault!"

"_Sirius, what have you done?!"_

"_He deserved it James. He was sticking his greasy nose in where it didn't belong!"_

"_Deserved it?! Sirius, he could have died! What you did was...was almost murder! You could have killed him!"_

"_Jamie, that wasn't my intention!"_

"_Christ! You just don't think do you?!"_

"_I...I'm sorry..."_

"_Don't apologise to me, apologise to Remus. He's the one who would have had Snape's blood on his hands."_

"Not my fault. Not my fault. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...forgive me!"

"_Lily! Lily wait...I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean for you to find out this way..."_

"_Oh, so you were just going to continue this behind my back?! How could you do it James?! I thought y-you wanted to marry me?! Is this ring a lie?!"_

"_Lily...It's my fault I..."_

"_Shut up Black! I've had enough! I'm going to my parents, the two of you can do whatever you feel like! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!"_

"...Lily...I'm sorry..."

"_Everything you touch turns to shit, Sirius."_

"_I know."_

"_Lily almost didn't take me back...When she caught us I...I thought it would be the end for us..."_

"_Prongs, I'm sorry."_

"_Don't. It's all lies Sirius...it's all lies...Lily's pregnant...do you understand what that means?"_

"Yes...Jamie...I do."

"_We have to end it!" _

"_Why?! Why does it have to end?"_

"_Because we're bad for each other...because I have a family...because I'm in hiding for my life, Sirius!"_

"_But I...James..."_

"_No! Enough. You're my best friend, Harry's Godfather, none of that will change but whatever it is between us has to end before it destroys everything."_

"I knew, I knew it was too late...I knew my time had run out and I just...I just wanted you to know how much you truly meant to me. Jamie, forgive me...forgive me my sins b-because I...because I..."

"_...I love you."_

"...I love you. I love you. I love you..."

"_...I'll never stop until the day I die...and even then, my heart will forever belong to you. Do with it what you will, James because it's yours."_

_Sirius could see it all his mind's eye, the way James' eyes had been full of an undying agony, the way his fingers hand trembled as he had stood slowly. The silence surrounding the small cottage had been suffocating. Lily and baby Harry fast asleep upstairs and Sirius and James sitting in the quaint little living room, cold tea standing on the low coffee table. James' eyes had gone dark and the pain came off of him in waves._

"_You tell me this...now?" He croaked and his mouth twisted. "Now, when I have a family? Sirius...you shouldn't have said anything!"_

_Sirius had gazed down at his hands and felt the vicious burning of tears in his eyes, he wiped at them furiously. "I couldn't keep quiet! How could I just let you continue on without knowing? I could be dead tomorrow! If I...If I didn't say anything...if you'd died not knowing...I..."_

"_It would have been kinder. Go home Sirius, go home and stay there...I...I don't want to see you."_

_And he had. He had gone back to his empty apartment, he had sat on the floor and cried into his bottle of whiskey. He had cried until oblivion had taken him and dragged him down where no dreams could touch him._

The Dementors has passed and Sirius lay on his pallet again, looking up at the rough hewn ceiling and once again saw James' back turned to him, the pale tone of his thin face and the agony in his hazel eyes. He dry sobbed, a great big sound that ripped itself free of his burning lungs as he rolled onto his side and curled up into a tight ball. Guilt and pain turned inward, slowly eating away at him. Because that had been the last time he had seen James alive...

_He had decided to go see Peter, he needed to make sure the plump little man was alright and make sure he was safe. But the moment Sirius had seen the empty house he knew. Some deep instinct told him everything, and he went straight to James'. He had to know for sure...he had to be certain...he had to see..._

_The face of that little cottage haunted his nightmares for years to come, its dark windows, the remnants of green fire that still traced one corner of the house. The soft sounds of a screaming child...all of this drove Sirius to knees, all of it pushed him to the very brink but what awaited him inside was worse..._

_His own screams would echo through time to add it's grief stricken melody to his dreams. And through them all would float that blank face with broken glasses..._

He would be forever haunted by his white face, the face of a man who knew he was dead even before his soul had left his body. It had been the face of a man who had stared his end in the eye and seen eternity beyond the light of life...it was the face of oblivion.


End file.
